It’s been a while since I’ve been here. Sorry for not being able to write here for so long. Life happened. Both good, stressful, and fun things.
- Social: Well, over the holidays, I’ve been trying to get in touch with my friends who I haven’t seen in such a long time, or talking to them over the phone just so we get to catch up.
- Home: I’ve been juggling with so many things at home. Over the holidays, I helped prepare noche buena, and media noche. Our Siberian Husky also gave birth to seven puppies, but sadly one of them passed away. However, six puppies is still a lot, okay. Since it was our husky’s first time to give birth and actually be a mom, we had to guide her. We would latch the puppies in rotation around the clock, and had to carefully prepare the husky’s food so she can lactate. Parang tao lang kung tutuusin.
- Work: I finally hit six (6) months with my current work at Creative Juice & Mommy Mundo. Grabe pala pag holidays, lahat ng mga brands, nagkakagulo… nagsasabay pero sa huli, syempre, kami yung masaya. It’s the first time that I experienced working during the holiday season, and if you’re a digital and pr company, you’ll understand the stress that comes from meeting deadlines, getting things revised, or planning for the coming year. Pero yun nga, sa huli, makikita mo yung pagod mo, and you’ll be able to say everything was worth it. I guess time flies when you’re having fun doing things you love for people that you can empathize with the most —- moms (or that other saying, “time flies by when you’re busy AF”).
I want to transform this blog into a personal journal of stories that are about observations and experiences. Forgive me if one day, I’ll be writing about nonsense…. but at least I’ll make sure they’re relatable ones.
So what will I be writing here today? Well, I’m not quite sure. Everyone’s been writing about their New Year’s Resolutions, or how their Christmas break went. But I wanted to start a series of entries thanking specific people for how they’ve shaped me to who I am today, or to those who never left my side when I literally just wanted to end it all. Yah, I’ve always had inner demons inside me — and as much as I want shrug them off, they keep on latching. Is it a lack of faith? Maybe… Or baka lapitin lang talaga ako ng malas. Despite all of those, I still feel lucky, blessed and grateful for everything that’s happened kasi at the end of the day, kung hindi nangyayari ang masasamang bagay sa mundo, hindi mo matututunan kung ano ang tama, o kung ano ang kabutihan.
So for the first entry of the year, I want to share with you seven (7) facts / short stories / testimonies / whatever-you-call-them stuff that I feel are the most fucked-up things that has ever happened to me, and how I felt it helped me with who I’ve grown into. Here they are (not in any particular order):
I kept on cutting myself before. It wasn’t because I wanted to die, but more of my way of punishing myself whenever I felt like I did something wrong. I stopped doing this when Yñigo came into the picture ’cause as much as I want the darkness to eat me up at times, I don’t want my son taking after me kung ganun lang rin makikita niya galing sakin. I want him to learn how to face challenges properly (for the lack of a better word). I want him to overcome challenges by doing and being better, not by self-pity and self-inflicted pain. I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with that ’cause if I had it my way, I might be doing it until now. But you realize things when you get older, and you see shit happening around you so yeah, ayun. Parang naging petty lang mga problema ko nung namulat ako sa mga nangyayari sa paligid ko. Oo, may mga problema ako pero lahat naman ng tao meron eh.
I tried taking my life away several times back when I was a troubled soul. As much as I want to divulge details here of how, why, when and what I did… for the sake of the people I love, I won’t. Tables turned when I did this, and I’m happy that someone saved me. A good girl friend of mine who even went all the way from calling tons of people just to get my mom’s mobile and call her… to tell her what I was doing, what I wanted to do. I’ll stop it there.
I fell in love with my ex-best friend before who I thought was the perfect relationship. We got along in all levels. We were best buds, and we’d even wing each other with other guys / girls. We could talk for hours about our shit in life, but it seemed like together, things made more sense. But I guess my stupidity got in my way…. and his obsession with control drove me to be insane. I’m not proud of what I did but I cheated on him. The one and only time I ever cheated on a guy who I loved. Medj tanga, pero syempre diba, kailangan maging tanga paminsan-minsan para matuto.
So yeah, I betrayed his love and trust, people hated and unfriended me, I had to hide from the world. We got back together, broke up again, and got back together and broke up again. Honestly, it was a vicious cycle that I didn’t know how to fix. But he ended it, after all the times he treated me like a piece of meat, putting myself in legit danger, and fucking lying to me about the girls he was with (and slept with). Kala ko ako yung mali, eh parehas lang pala kami gago. But for what it’s worth, my “reset” button wouldn’t have switched on…. I wouldn’t have discovered how to love myself on my own, and I wouldn’t have met Bobby if this didn’t happen.
I betrayed a friend BIG time. I mean, I know I was a manipulative liar before, but to lie to one of the people I consider my sister, my twin? Para akong walang konsensya no? I swear, I regret doing this because I knew my close friend suffered from it a lot, and I just hate people suffering because of my own doing. For my friend’s privacy and to save myself from shame, I shall not detail the story here. But what I can tell you is that it involved a night of regrets, an ex and my stupid brain.
When I lost Kuya Rey, my former driver of 11-years, my world shattered. He was like a second dad to me. He knew my secrets, my plans, and dreams. He died 2012, and I remember him telling me before “Pag naggraduate ka na sa Ateneo, gusto ko na ako magdadrive sayo sa graduation mo, at papalakpakan kita sa labas at sasabihin kong alaga kitaaaaaa at proud na proud ako sayo.” He even wanted to drive me to the church I’d get married in someday. Oh Kuya Rey, how I wish you were here to see everything. From my gago-ness to being [kinda] mature right now, I hope you’re proud of me. He would have loved Yñigo and Bobby. More than that, we would have gone to so many more places together. Til we see again, Kuya Rey. I love you so much!
I could never forget when I made my parents and my sisters cry…. on different instances, and for the wrong reasons. From when I was young, ’til I was about 3rd year college, I took my family’s love for granted. Admittedly, I was the black sheep of the family. I broke all the rules, and I could remember when my parents were just crying in front of me, telling me I should change. Telling me that they weren’t going to lose hope despite all the pain I’ve caused them.
The day that I wanted Bobby out of my life, and even used Yñigo against him. Husbands and wives fight all the freakin’ time. I mean, it’s normal. Though Bobby & I aren’t married, we’ve been living together for the past three years… and quite frankly, parang kaming kasal na walang singsing. The way we fight —- we let all our demons out, and lash on each other. Until one of us walks away, hindi hihinto yung away. So that fateful day where we got into a huge fight, I never thought I’d actually tell him to just leave Ynigo and I. I said so many hurtful things… puro hugot kung tutuusin and I did see him walk out of the door. For a moment, I thought to myself, “Was I selfish and fair to let my momentarily breakdown ’cause Yñigo to lose his dad?” My brain was trying to grasp what I had just done, and I knew I couldn’t take back those words. It would be up to him if he wanted to go back…. Luckily, he did. We talked for hours: sharing our triggers with each other, and trying to figure out a communication strategy we could do if this ever happened again. From that day on, we never fought the way we used to. We’ve grown to be more understanding of one another… and to be forgiving to both ourselves and each other. All for love, and all for our son.
Everybody has a chapter in their lives that they don’t read out loud.
So there. I have more mistakes to share, and I bet there will be more mistakes that I’ll commit throughout my life. But one thing’s for certain: my mistakes will be put to waste if I didn’t learn from them. We need to accept that we won’t always make the right choices, but it’ll be worse if you didn’t learn from any of it. For the past few years, I’ve always pondered on all of my shit… wondering why it happened, why I was stupid enough to do so, and why I always became depressed because of it. But 2017 is all about change, all about learning to let things be, and letting things go. Your mistakes are not baggage, but they are remnants of your past telling you, guiding you to do the right thing someday. 2017 (and all the years succeeding) will always be about learning, about change, and adventures, and misadventures.
Nagustuhan niyo ba yung mga chismis ng buhay ko? Well, I’ve a lot more to write about but I guess this is it first. My next entry is all about why I’ve veered into the direction of calling this blog Pen & Pan. Cute yun, promise.